We have not been intimate in over a year.

I was doing research on Interstitial cystitis, which my wife has and found that they suggest tantric sex. So I was researching that and found you guys. Would love any suggestions on how to get started in this? We have not been intimate in over a year other than a little bit. She is doing installation treatments and they help some but l still can’t do much in bedroom.


Tantric sex is a great approach because it focuses more on energy exchange and emotional connection rather than intense physical activity. It’s a more relaxed pleasure orientation to lovemaking rather than a goal oriented one.

Deep relaxation is very helpful with interstitial cystitis.

  • Below are 2 practices you can try that will give you an introduction to the Tantric way of loving.
  • Also I suggest our ebooks: Awakening Women’s Orgasm and/or Tantra Sex Step by Step. They are only $9. 95 each and give you lots of great info.
  • You can also get this same info and a whole lot more, including a video version of Tantra Sex Step by Step in our Tantra Home Study Course, at our sexyspiritualrelationships membership website for only $14. 77 a month.
  • And, if time and budget allow it, consider a Tantric workshop.

Loving Body Discovery

Take a loving visual, tactile tour of your mate’s body. Create a sensual ambience for your body discovery. Make sure the room is warm. Lighting should be bright enough to see clearly but soft and caressing to your skin, for example candles or a red light bulb. Play music that relaxes you and makes you feel sensual.

Begin by asking your lover’s permission: «My beloved (or your name for your lover), I come to you with love, desire and the utmost respect. May I please explore your wonderful body?» Your lover responds: «Yes, I welcome you with love and trust.» You can make up your own words to show respect, love, trust and care. Sometimes, the receiving partner may be shy or uncomfortable having a particular body segment thoroughly explored. If this is the case, it is important to be open and honest. Tell each other how you feel, and respect your limitations.

Begin from a distance with a slow, soft caressing look from head to toe and back again. As you are looking, tell your lover what pleases you about her. Remember most of us are not accustomed to being gazed at all over, especially with love and adoration and desire. Your partner may be feeling uncomfortable – ask her to breathe deeply, to relax any tension in her body and to try to feel the vital energy coming from your eyes into her body.

Move closer and mix your looking with touches. Go slowly. Begin with her hands, lifting them, caressing her palm, stroking it lightly then gently sucking each finger. Work your way up her arms, feathering lightly with your fingers, repeating the path with a sniffing, tickling nose, repeat again with pouty nibbling lips and darting, slippery tongue. As you explore keep letting your lover know how much you are enjoying your tour—tell her with words, sounds, facial gestures. Look into each other’s eyes frequently and feel the connection between the two of you deepening.

From arms move up to her head, neck, ears, then eyes, face, mouth, chin, and back down to her neck. Take your time. Feel her skin beneath your hands, smell the unique scent of each part of her, listen to her breath and to any sounds she may make in response to your touch. Switch from her head to her feet. Play with them as you did with her hands. Then proceed up her legs. Take your time. Be playful. Focus all your attention on your lover and allow your heart to open.

When you reach the tops of her legs, roll her on to her stomach and explore her back with your hands, then your nose, then your mouth, and combinations of all three, from the base of her neck all the way down to her feet.

Once again, roll her on to her back and starting at the hollow of her neck work your way down her torso in waves using your hands, nose and mouth. Pause at breasts and belly or other spots on her torso that give both of you pleasure. Finally, turn your attention to her love grotto. This is the seat of creation, the wellspring of life. Explore her gently with nose, mouth and fingers. Your purpose is to heighten awareness for both of you, not to turn her on (although this may happen). Do not use habitual touches that you know will bring her to orgasm. If either, or both, of you become sexually excited, relax and be with the excitement. This is an opportunity to feel the body electric—to raise and keep the energy high without going over the edge to release. If your charge is too intense try deep slow breathing and Grounding, chapter 7. You may be surprised to find that the loving body discovery can also be more relaxing and affectionate than sexually stimulating. Whatever happens is right.

Relationship with passionate affection

Finish with a complete hug—head to toe for two minutes. Feel your hearts beating. Match your breathing rhythm. In love and respect, thank each other, and then switch partners.

Remember, the Loving Body Discovery is not a massage, nor is it done with the intention of arousing your lover sexually, nor is it leading up to intercourse or an orgasmic climax. Separate the Loving Body Discovery from these other ways of being intimate so you can experience being in the moment without trying to get somewhere in your lovemaking. You can discover the joy of touching each and every part of your lover’s body, and learn that every touch is potentially as satisfying and wonderful as any other. This is also an excellent exercise in which to move beyond the anxiety of responsibility to «perform» sexually, to make it happen for your partner.

Yoni Massage

The Yoni massage, or female genital massage, brings healing and emotional opening. Your intention is not arousal, or orgasm, although these may well occur, but rather to help your lover become more sensitive, relaxed and connected to her yoni—her sacred temple. Much frustration, pain and trauma are held in the tissues of the vagina, loving massage can help discharge them. This process may bring up strong emotions—feelings of fear or anxiety and joyous outpourings of release. It may take several sessions before her yoni has healed so that she can fully enjoy the range of sexual pleasures it holds.

Your lover lies on her back, a towel-covered pillow under her hips.
Her legs are apart, knees slightly bent.
Sit between her legs.

Look into each other’s eyes and breathe slowly and deeply together.

Gently massage her legs, belly and torso, advancing without haste to her inner thighs and pelvis.

When she is relaxed move to her yoni, and, asking permission to honor this most sacred spot, pour a good quality water-based lubricant on her mound and begin to massage it slowly.

«Slowly» is a key point for this entire massage.

  • Gently squeezing each outer lip between thumb and forefinger, stroke up and down.
  • Ask her to tell you if she wants more pressure or speed or softness.
  • Repeat the stroking, squeezing motion on her inner lips.
  • Move to her clitoris, circling, squeezing, and gently pulling.
  • When you feel she is ready, ask permission to enter her enchanted garden and gently insert your finger—some women like two fingers.
  • Crook your finger in a «come hither» motion and press it against the walls just inside the entrance of her vaginal canal.
  • Explore all around this wonderful opening, fraction of an inch by fraction of an inch.
  • If you encounter spots that are painful or tight stop movement but continue to press your finger there.
  • Breathe together. You may notice tingling or heat as the tension releases.
  • Move a little deeper into her honey pot and again press all around.
  • This is the area of the g-spot, which can be extremely sensitive—its spongy tissue is a storehouse of sexual frustration and pain—so move respectfully.
  • Some women feel a burning or a desire to urinate when the g-spot is awakening, continue to apply pressure and allow the sensation to pass.
  • Move deeper still, straightening your finger and pressing along the sides as you go farther back toward the cervix.
  • Wherever she feels trauma or pain stop movement, press the spot firmly, breathe deeply, until there is a release.
  • If your lover would like you to, as you continue your internal massage begin to stimulate her clitoris with your other hand awakening her to a state of high arousal.
  • She may experience orgasm—clitorally or vaginally or in combination.
  • When she feels she has had enough, slowly take your hands away.
  • Complete your massage by gently holding her in your loving arms.

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